The Truth about Self Soothing

Hava | Raised To Flourish Author

Is it really necessary? Should I be teaching my child to self soothe? All this and more, answered here!

Self-soothing is a misunderstood term that the sleep training industry has taken out of context and misled parents. As a result, parents are often made to feel like they are doing something wrong, or their baby hasn't learned a valuable skill when their little one cannot fall back to sleep alone at bedtime or through the night.

Where did this term come from?

The term self-soothing was a term created by Dr. Thomas Anders in the 1970s to mean the opposite of signalling. It was certainly never meant to be used to promote the idea that a child could calm down from a state of stress (and relax), eventually falling asleep peacefully.

Babies tend to fall into two categories, signalers and self-soothers. Although, every child is unique and are not always strictly one or the other.

The 'self soothers' woke briefly, just like all humans on earth, but provided they didn’t have any physical need or a distinct emotional one, they were more likely to shift, perhaps make a bit of noise, and return calmly to sleep. These babies tended to sleep for longer, more consolidated stretches.

The babies categorized as 'signalers' could not fall back asleep as frequently between sleep cycles and needed more parental support to return to sleep. These babies were slower to sleep for consolidated stretches and more likely to wake every couple of hours for a longer time. They were also more likely to signal for more than physical needs, like hunger, thirst, and discomfort. They needed more connection and closeness throughout the night.

However, while this research has been wrongly extrapolated by the sleep training industry and promoted as a learned skill, we have no actual evidence that this is the case. Instead, this points to the role of temperament in sleep.

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What about self settling?

Babies CAN self-settle sometimes, depending on the circumstances, but that doesn't mean they can do it every time or that we should be trying to 'train' them to do it.  There is no evidence that self settling improves sleep quality, duration or lessens nighttime wakes; it is not a requirement for a child to sleep well.  A child's ability to self settle reflects largely on their born temperament, and the majority of babies (and many toddlers!) need some level of parental support to fall asleep peacefully.  Meeting this need only benefits the child's sleep, showing them that sleep is a safe place to go and stay, and allowing them to fall asleep from a place of calm and safety. 

So what does this mean for how I approach sleep?

This is important to know because the strategies that work for the self soothers are not likely to be as effective for signaler babies. For example, a common piece of advice is to leave your little one for a moment or two before responding to see if they will settle back to sleep. If you have a soother, it is true that they may be more likely to resettle themselves with little intervention when given the chance, or that intervening too quickly may actually wake them further.

However, if you have a signaler, their crying may escalate quickly and they may become stressed quite quickly. In this case, waiting those couple of minutes is only likely to make it harder for you to settle them back to sleep.

You cannot teach a baby to be something that they are not. If your baby is more of a signaler, it is simply the reality that they may need you more, and they can’t necessarily help it. You can certainly minimize all possible causes of sleep disruptions and adjust to various ways of returning to sleep, but some babies just need us more.

Babies are neurologically and developmentally incapable of self-regulation and down regulating their emotions on their own.

This applies to both the signalers and the soothers. Those babies who are more likely to resettle themselves do so because they never became stressed. If they did, they would still need help and coregulation to return to their calm state.

There is certainly a spectrum, in regard to the signalling and soothing wakes. More easy-going babies will still signal and need you when they assess that they have needs that need to be met. Perhaps generally, they will consolidate sleep easier and need less support, but it doesn’t mean that they will automatically be the babies who sleep 11-12 hours overnight at 3 months old.

And likewise, even if your baby has a more sensitive temperament and calls for you quite frequently throughout the night, it doesn't mean they will never consolidate sleep or self settle when they arouse between sleep cycles.

Understanding the role that temperament plays in your baby’s sleep will hopefully bring you some peace and understanding.

True self-soothing is an ability that babies learn through first BEING soothed. That is just how brain development works. The foundation of this ability is the baby’s experiences of their caregiver’s timely, sensitive, consistent and appropriate responses to their distress (also the basis for a secure attachment).

They learn to self-soothe when they learn to trust that you are there to help them whenever they need you and that you can read their cues and understand their communication.

It happens through the developmental process, not as a skill they can be taught. Children learn how to regulate their emotions by borrowing the mature adult brain and being provided co-regulation and support. From this foundation of first BEING soothed and having regulation modeled to them, children can learn how to do it themselves when their brain develops the capability to do so.

After 1000’s of experiences of being soothed, their brain slowly gains these skills.

When I work with families, the focus is ALWAYS on co-regulation and supporting your child through any changes made at every step of the way.  You can make changes to the aspects of sleep that are no longer working for your family and make shifts to improve your child's sleep while being completely responsive to their needs.  Falling asleep independently, with the intention of teaching a child to self soothe/settle, is not a requirement to get better rest for your family.

Categories: Babies, Toddlers